Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize