is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
