Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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