No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
