Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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