You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
