Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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