ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How external is "for external use only"?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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