Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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