I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
