Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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