i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
