I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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