I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I did not marry a roomba.
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