I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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