I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Please don't give away my fajitas
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
