he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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