Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
