I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
