I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
