i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
