I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
