Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
