My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
