My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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