My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I would ride that face into the sunset
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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