her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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