Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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