my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
