I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
