im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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