4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
