I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
