And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
