I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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