He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
