It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize