I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im holly from the hills drunk
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
