I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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