Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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