I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
