I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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