What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
