According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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