I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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