I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
