Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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