are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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