wakey wakey hands off snakey
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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