I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
