is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
