you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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