I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
