I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize