My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
