Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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