what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize