After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
