Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize