you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
