Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
